Hi there, welcome to the second part of the guide to using touch in body language. This time it's about where and when it's best to make contact.
Also, how to determine if someone is approachable, and what can happen if you slip up - explained from a very personal experience…
Before we actually begin, it's important for me to emphasize that it's not in my intention to imply that you should use touch in every occasion possible. Touching others is a sensitive matter, especially since it's not very straightforward by its meaning... So I would like to ask you to use some common sense and consideration before applying it.
With that out of the way let's start with:
Prior to touching someone we need to set up some sort of connection with them.
Even the simplest greeting – the handshake, appears only after an eye contact and usually along with a vocal greeting. Try to do this the other way around and see what happens.
The more intimate the relationship – the more touching is allowed and to the more private parts. It's only logical because we need to trust and like someone before we give them a "free access" to our more personal zones.
So far – so good, but does it matter who initiates the contact?
Why yes it does!
Like I mentioned in the first part of this guide – touch is something that's usually initiated by the higher status and active persona. Be it to give a command or to comfort – the person who initiates the contact is the one steering the wheels.
The man hug
That's why if it's important for you to be in control or to appear more active, you should strive to initiate the touch.
If you look at politicians, for example, you'll notice that there's a certain power struggle when they meet and greet each other – each one will try to appear as the dominant figure by using a pat on the back, a two handed handshake or using his hands to guide his fellow. It's all for the show obviously.
Be careful though, it's often a bad idea to make the first move with your superiors, because it will be perceived as ambitious and inappropriate.
Strong body language has a lot to do with timing. It's the use of matching verbal and nonverbal communication in the right time. A strong image is created when all the signals complement each other and send the same message. There is congruency, grace and natural flow to things. That's why it's so funny to see super muscular guys with a squeaky voice – it's just doesn't add up!
Another way to amplify your message
Influential figures know that and they use touch in body language to emphasize their messages. They know how to push the right buttons at the right moments to amplify their message tenfold.
So how is it done? Quite simply actually, because when we make contact we amplify the already existing mood, we should strive to do it when the mood is to our favor, or, if we want to emphasize some specific message. E.g. A "no" with a slight push is way stronger than just a verbal "no".
Another example: Suppose a salesman is sitting with a customer and he wants the customer to trust him to make the sale. Our salesman should initially avoid touching his customer (beyond the initial greetings) until he established some basic connection with him. We don't want him to appear too "pushy" and aggressive. If, however, he receives some positive reaction, then he can use a light touch to accent this mood while presenting the benefits of the product - to project the customer's positive reaction towards the salesman and the product, and therefore increase his chances of sell.
I know, easier said than done, but it's totally worth spending some time practicing that.
When meeting with strangers or people you barely know – it's always hard to know when it's "OK" to make contact with them.
To help you determine if someone is "touchable" you need to seek signs of approachability:
In short, you feel there's a good chemistry going on.
You can also look at how this person interacts with other people – Does he use touch and accepts it? How does he greet others? Does he use gestures a lot? (People who gesticulate often - will use and accept touch more easily)
On the other hand, a person who keeps his distance, using defensive body language and doesn't look very friendly - there's a good chance he won't accept a stranger's touch.
Let me tell you a story from my personal experience, before I even heard about nonverbal communication. It was a painful yet very realistic lesson in how to approach strangers, from the negative perspective:
It's a customary in my
country, in casual settings, to greet guys with a handshake and girls with a
friendship kiss (a brief kiss on the cheek). So in one occasion I had the
misfortune to try and kiss a girl who wasn't so "approachable".
I didn't thought about what I was doing , and didn't seem to notice that she was in a very bad mood. So, as I approached to greet her, she pushed me away, and with an intense glare and poisonous voice asked me "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING??". It felt as if I just stepped on a cat's tail.
This is exactly what happened
Needless to say, it was embarrassing, especially since my friends stood by and laughed hysterically, but it taught me the lesson of being more selective and cautious with how I greet strangers.
Other than that, there are many times it's a bad idea to touch someone – like when approaching from behind - when they feel vulnerable and helpless. If in doubt simply don't do it.
It's a hard question, but I will do my best to answer:
In general, your contact should feel casual, neutral and brief if that's someone you barely know. Remember that by touching someone you invade their personal space for a moment, and if they don't like it or trust you enough yet – your touch would feel alien and unpleasant for them. So you can apply a brief touch to a neutral part of the body like the hand, elbow or shoulder to "test the waters" and watch how they react.
If you're worried that this touch won't leave the strong impression you desire, take it easy. It's better to leave a slightly less passionate impression that an over enthusiastic one. Remember, touch in body language is like dynamite – you don't want to push it too hard. Also, even a light and brief touch can do wonders to improve your interaction and leave a memorable impression.
Other than that, the let cultural code to guide you – if it's a culture where little to no touch with strangers is the norm – a light touch is more than enough. If it's a "warmer" culture, feel free to imitate the locals in their customs.
The more precise question would be: "where not to touch if not sure?"
The more central parts of the body, especially around the genital area, are guarded with most vigilance and therefore are 'off limits' to strangers. If the intimacy grows these parts will obviously be more "access free".
Another part you should generally avoid touching is the head of adults. Even in cultures where it's not a taboo to touch the head, it's still considered a condescending gesture.
Hold it buddy...
Why? Because this is a maternal or paternal gesture used mostly on children to comfort them, or to stroke a pet. So even with good intention, you actually treat an adult as a child and therefore reduce his standings in the eyes of others. Unless you're the parent or a priest – avoid using this gesture on adults.
This goes the same for grasping the neck and "hugging" it, seriously, what says "I own you" more plainly than that?
Congratulations! You finished this guide on using touch in body language.
My purpose here was to provide you with more food for thought about your touching habits: explain the main principals and let you determine for yourself how to apply that knowledge. I hope I managed to do so