In this last post about body language and eye contact in action series I'd like to talk about the use of the dominant gaze - Primarily from the male perspective, as the last post was focused mainly on the attractive body language of the female's eyes.
I also wish to speak about meaning behind the eye glare– how to use it and to know what you can do to help you disarm it.
We talked mostly about the seduction from the female's perspective – submissive, secretive and playful – these are the traits that can easily bring men to their knees. But what about us, men? How can we use our eye contact to make a woman's heart skip a beat?
If women are expected to show teasing and submissive characteristics, men usually expected to make the first move, to take action. This attitude is also reflected through the eye contact – it needs to show power, confidence and a hint of playfulness is always welcome.
Let's start with the basics – to project confidence in your eyes you obviously need to be comfortable making eye contact and maintaining it. Are you comfortable meeting stranger's eyes? If you have trouble, it's better to work on that first.
You won't leave the best first impression if you glance right away when she meets your gaze – uncertainty and shyness won't do you much good to impress her.
I know, it's not easy to resist that urge to look away, and you're definitely not alone in this, most guys have more trouble making eye contact than girls. But this is learned the hard way – you must practice creating and maintaining eye contact every day. Take this step by step and challenge yourself in this area of your life if you feel it's lacking, believe me, it's totally worth it.
When you've built up your confidence in making eye contact, you can feel comfortable enough to start slowly and smoothly scan your surroundings and meet gazes. You don't need to stare, but to feel comfortable enough to check your surroundings and the people around.
Tell yourself to be calm and easy, don't try to impress anyone, but rather feel good in your own skin. This inner peace speaks volumes to anyone around you. Remember that women use their peripheral vision better than us, and they can check you out even if you're not aware of that.
Again, I cannot stress enough the fact that to have a dominant gaze you need to feel secure and good about yourself; it's very hard to fake these emotions through the eyes. Practicing making eye contact and working on your inner self to build confidence is the way to go.
Eye contact can be a scary thing. I remember as I kid, when I wished to "blend in the crowd", like when I forgot my homework, for example, I would stare at anything but into the teacher's eyes so she won't ask me to the board.
Sure, it wasn't the smartest thing to do, because as often as not it gave me away immediately, but it’s a natural response of hiding in children – perhaps if I don't see "it", "it" won't see me.
The eye glare, an unflinching, squinted stare squarely in the eyes gaze is a very powerful tool of intimidation even in adults. Some have mastered it so well that it's very hard not to submit and "lose" to them in this staring contest.
Can you develop this kind of stare?
If your goal is to develop a more threatening reputation you can try to practice the power gaze with a mirror, or even better, with a friend as sort of a staring contest.
Gradually, start to do it with other people and see how they react. With time and patience you will feel more relaxed creating and maintain this kind of eye contact.
Like the dominant gaze, it's more than just a physical "trick" – it has a lot to do with how you feel inside. If you have fear or feel insecure at that moment, it would be extremely hard not flinch first. Trying it with your boss, for instance, can be extremely hard because both of you understand the status difference and the possible consequences of your "defiance".
I would generally advise against this kind of behavior because: A. It won't make you the most popular person in the world. B. Sometimes It can lead to some real trouble if you don't know what you're doing. In simple words – use with caution!
If on the other hand you need to deal with someone who likes to use this eye glare to intimidate you, remember that you got the option to avoid it.
Avoiding eye contact can send a variety of meanings – one of them is "I just don't care or like you", so by avoiding the glare you send the message of non-cooperation - simply don't subject yourself to this bullying.
If you cannot avoid the encounter or cannot openly defy the other party - try to find some excuse to change the topic or to lead the gaze away – for example, using props or your hands for gesticulations can divert the gaze and disarm it. It's like an elegant retreat; you don't openly submit defeat but rather change the theme.
I've talked a lot about the body language of eye contact and the different uses it has in everyday situations – from the casual conversation to intimidation techniques. To sum it up: the body language of eye contact is your friend – learn how to use and read it.
I know, it's not easy, mostly because the eyes seem to have a mind of their own – either they just stare and you can't get them off, or on the contrary, you just unable to hold your gaze when it's a necessity.
But once you can get past that wall… you will find yourself much more at ease in company of strangers, you won't feel the need to hide away your glance and others will start to trust and like you more.
You may also find it's the type of communication you truly crave for in a relationship. Just to dive deep into the eyes and communicate without a single word.