Or "how to get to physical intimacy – step by step"
In this final part I want to discuss "the ladder" to physical intimacy that I mentioned before. This is the process of gradually escalating gestures and actions that starts in making acquaintance and ends with sex. You may call it the human mating dance.
Kino escalation is exactly that. It's a term taken from a pick-up artist lingo, and it describes the technique and routines that the pickup artist uses to create attraction and rapport with his potential target for seduction.
Note: "Kino" comes from "Kinesthetic" and it means that of a physical feel.
In this post we'll go step by step and see how tension and closeness are gradually built, plus we'll look at the technique pickup artists use.
It's time to get some perspective on touching in a relationship, especially if you're a man, no more mystery behind "what should I do next?" or "is it allowed?"
Don't worry! It's not some withdrawal program.
Desmond Morris, an English author and researcher of socio-biology, (and painter and a zoologist – an accomplished man) purposed a series of 12 steps that humans make from first contact to intercourse – the peak of physical intimacy. This is by no means a rigid routine that must follow every time, but rather a guide to how closeness built gradually.
The steps are:
1. Eye to body – before we make any contact we observe our "target" from a distance right? Men are very direct at this, and therefore getting "caught" more, but girls also check the boys out, only they have a subtler way of doing it.
Kino Escalation step No 3:
"Uh..can I offer you some soda?"
2. Eye to Eye – the first "true" contact, a lot can be said from a single look. A girl that is interested in a certain guy will often make and break eye contact several times to signal her interest. Men just stare directly and hope for the best.
3. Voice to Voice – Now we’re talking…
4. Hand to Hand – this is the first physical contact. It goes for the hand, the elbow or the upper arm – a more neutral place. It should be casual, we don't want to imply anything just yet - we just test the waters.
5. Arm around Shoulder – it's getting closer. It's almost a hug, but still can be considered as a friendly gesture if it's a short.
6. Arm to Waist or lower back – This is a major step guys, and this is almost always a clear sign to sexual interest. It can be done more subtly – by leading a girl through the door, for example.
7. Mouth to Mouth – AKA the Kiss! Before the kiss is actually initiated there are plenty of signals floating – the intense eye contact, loose lips, a little inclination of the head to the side, the hand on the back or behind the back. If you're aware enough, you will know the moment is right.
8. Hand to Head, or Head to Head. This is deep, there's no escape but to look into the eyes. It can be even a little overwhelming if you're not really into it. Otherwise, it's the classic moment in every romantic movie.
Kino Escalation step No 4:
"You have such a beautiful hand"
Kino Escalation step No 7:
Kiss her like Spiderman
9. Hand to Body – the foreplay: fondling, groping, caressing. This of course can be either intense or gentle and soft.
10. Mouth to Body – now the mouth does the work: kissing the body, especially the breasts.
11. Hand to Gentiles. If this step actually comes sooner, when the female gropes the "package" of the male – it shows interest, but also control. It's like saying "I know what you want, but not so fast, I got you by the balls"
12. The Sex. In any form you like, including oral sex.
So these are the steps, you may skip some of them, but this usually the line things go along.
This steps can always help to determine "what should I do next?" if you're not sure instinctively. It helps built tension and attraction gradually and smoothly, so it won't feel awkward to jump to the kiss part, or when you're not sure what you're allowed to touch.
Pick up artists took this formula and adapted it into their routines. They learn the signals and have a system (the kino escalation ladder) by which they know when, where and how they should touch their target of interest. This process involves the different types of touch we mentioned above, in an escalating manner, and therefore the name. Experienced pickup artists often can sense instinctively where they are in "the ladder" and how they can get to the next stage.
Just to clarify – I'm not a pick-up artist myself. I have a lot of interest in how they work and think, but I don't actively learn and practice their techniques. I'm not saying it's wrong, it's just not exactly my cup of tea. It doesn't mean that we can't learn a thing or two from them, now does it? Yes, even if you're a girl, maybe especially if you're a girl…
So what's the process?
Pick up artist will start with a lot of "casual" touch, and if it's a group setting (called "a set" in their lingo) they will touch all members of the group equally. Their touch will be light and quick, just to build some physical tension, but not too much to repulse.
Why all members? At this point they don't want to betray their interest, but to create an impression that this is their norm – to touch others freely and casually. This initial contact is actually the basis for their work, because touch automatically bonds people (as long as it's appropriate). So the artist is moving up the ladder, and tests the water at this stage.
Do it like the masters
After some tension is built, the touch will become more deliberate, personal and will last longer. It's still not a deep intimacy, but this time is about creating more rapport rather than tension.
The last stage in the Kino escalation ladder will involve seductive gestures; this time there's no mistake about the intention .E.g. The hand behind the back or the waist, preparing for the kiss.
What happens if she suddenly backs off?
If the artist will sense a resignation or hesitation from the girl, he will back off himself several steps. Why? To create more tension and to show that he has not fully committed. This act confuses the girl, and as reverse psychology goes, this only makes her want him more, we automatically desire what is hard to get.
And if she's not – it's not a big deal, the pickup artist still left with his dignity, if anything - it looks as if he lost interest, not her.
In one sentence: Kino escalation is a great tool, you can use it, even if you're not a pickup artist. After all, it's based on our natural process of sexuality.
If you know how to create this tension smoothly – you avoid awkward scenarios when you're not sure what is going on. Moreover, it leaves the reins in you hands – if you know the steps you can control how intimate things get.
I know that this final part feels more directed for men, and it kind of is, because we're often oblivious to the different signs the ladies send. But a woman, interested in a man, can actually take this process and guide the man to what he should do next if he seems lost (nonverbally of course).
That's it, I hope this series on physical intimacy helped you get more perspective and enriched your life (: